Date: 2009-06-26 02:45 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

Reading back over my old entries is really odd. It's been so long, I had forgotten a lot of the things that I had said. Since that time, I've basically tried to just ignore the gender thing in general, mostly by being in 2 relationships, one serious. I successfully managed to sort of stop thinking about it as I became some sort of person that I'm really not, dressing overly feminine and trying to be a girl, and I was really really in love with the guy. I think that's probably what drove me to do it all, I was trying to be the person I thought he wanted. Anyways a month ago or so we broke up and I felt more like myself than I had in a long time, and then everything just came crashing back down basically.
I feel like I'm back to square one, I guess, still just as confused as I was 3 years ago. I'm pretty sure that I'm male, I'm just really afraid of the transitioning process, and how my friends and family would react to it. I don't have a lot of friends so those that I do are really important to me. I went through my first year of college, and besides my exboyfriend I really didn't enjoy any of it. I just feel kind of lost and directionless. I don't really know what I want. I keep thinking that maybe because I was sort of happy while I was in the relationship with him, that maybe I can function and be happy as a girl. It's weird though, as I think back on it and look at pictures, i don't feel like that was me, at all. I didn't enjoy the sex because it just felt WEIRD to me, like it always does when I'm forced into the female role.
I think on things like the fact that when I first read about FtMs and what trans meant and everything I literally started crying and I tore through so many journals and websites staying up until 6 am for weeks. Then reality sort of sunk in and I became afraid. I think back to the time where I dressed up as Captain Jack Sparrow in 8th grade, and I really really passed for male and so many 6th grade girls hit on me and man was it awesome. Halloween I've always liked because I got to be the guy. And when I think about sex, I always think about myself as a guy. I know what all these things point to and should mean, but then I wake up and interact with people and I'm a girl, and I can function as a girl, and get along okay I think. I wonder what made me even when I was in a relationship with my exbf, come back onto livejournal and still read and think about all of this. I just want to not be confused about it one way or the other, but I keep stopping myself from firmly making a choice, therefore stuck in the female side and i'm not happy. I just don't know yet for sure though. All that and I want to go into the military really badly, and I'm pretty sure they're not big on the whole trans thing.

Yeah, so I just wanted to write down my thoughts, mostly for personal reference, but if anyone sees this and wouldn't mind talking to someone who is extremely add and confused in general, I'd definitely would love to talk. =)

Date: 2007-09-29 20:15 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

SIGN IT!
http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/transgender_inclusive_ENDA/

Date: 2007-09-13 22:09 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

Also I really feel that Trevor doesn't suit me.
I don't know.
I've been thinking William or James.

Date: 2007-09-13 19:50 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

( cut for confusion? )

Date: 2007-07-05 23:24 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

I need a haircut. Badly.
I don't think now's a great time though, I've got so much family drama, pet drama, and money issues, now is probably the worst time. The good news my mom got a job! The bad news is my grandpa's got cancer and my whole family is freaking out, we have to give one of our cats away because when we got her she hid immediately and it's been months later and she still won't come out very often and she is so terrified of one of my other cats she uses my mother's couch as a litter box. She's such a sweetie though. I hope she gets adopted by a good family.

I wish I could be Horatio Hornblower for a day. I love old British Naval stories. Things were better then. Then the whole industrial era took over and fucked us all up the ass. I hope we all don't die of thirst.

Date: 2007-07-02 00:28 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

My solution, generally, to anything I don't want to think about or something that really matters is to not think about it. I skirt around it and when my mind focuses on it I force it in some other direction. That's what I do about my gender every single day. There are a million instances daily that I briefly think "it would be different if..." and then I stop myself before going any further. My friends and family often accuse me of being completely emotionally detached. I was told my grandfather had cancer without even blinking an eye. I immediately asked what the plan of action was without stopping to think of possibilities.
When it comes to my gender if I really think about it, I know I'd rather be male in every aspect. But transitioning to me still seems impossible. I know it isn't I've seen so much proof to the contrary, but I still can't let myself actually hope for this and see that it is entirely possible. And at the same time I feel like I'm wasting time and part of my life worrying about this all and doing nothing proactive about it. I wish I could wake up one day with this entire process over and look in the mirror and bam! there would be what I want the world to see me as. I don't want the awkwardness and the inbetween. I'm afraid to stand out in public, I hate being noticed. On a scale of one to ten for self confidence mine would fall at its highest ever at about a 6. Mostly it's around the 2 or 3s. I feel like I'm holding myself back from my life and my future, like I've been given the key but won't stick it in the fucking lock. I keep convincing myself that I don't need this, that I'll look back and laugh at myself, that everything will change for the better.
But today I thought about it objectively, made a list of pros and cons. There were more pros than cons but the cons still keep me back, even as I write this a little voice in the back of my head lists the cons and possible things to go wrong. My concentration has gotten terrible, I constantly am battling with my own mind, and I can't remember anything, I feel like I'm 85. The worst part is I have to watch my brother become the only thing I've ever wanted to be. He's fifteen and fast growing up. He's 5'9" already and will probably reach 6'3". He has everything going for him and he doesn't realize or even uses much of it. He just takes it for granted. It makes me so mad.
I don't know what I'm doing, I feel like I'm running in circles and there just outside of the circle is what I'm want but I can't get out of the stupid fucking circle.

Date: 2007-06-01 22:34 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

Dear Friends,

I am writing to ask you to support work that I'm doing with the Justice 4 Erika campaign here in Philly. Erika Keels was murdered on March 22, 2007 on North Broad Street in Philadelphia. Witnesses saw an assailant eject Erika, a 20-year-old black transwoman, from his car, and intentionally run her over four times, killing her and leaving the scene. A medical examiner's report supports these eyewitness accounts. But police ruled Erika's death an accident and have refused to conduct an investigation. The driver, Roland Button, was later apprehended, but he has yet to face criminal charges—including "hit and run" charges. When Ms. Keels' friends, who are themselves trans, questioned police officials about the classification of her death as an accident, they were asked to disclose their "birth" names and told they were "trying to make something out of nothing."

Our immediate goal is for the Philadelphia Police Commissioner and the Accident Investigation Division to reopen Erika's case and conduct a thorough investigation of the circumstances surrounding her death. We want to send a powerful message to the Philadelphia Police Department that we stand together to demand justice for trans and gender non-conforming people, police accountability, and respect for the inherent dignity and worth of every person. Things you can do to help:

1. Sign our community support letter (read below and sign at http://www.petitiononline.com/ErikaK/petition.html).

2. Get organizational sign-ons from groups you're in or connected to. (Organizations should email Justice4Erika@gmail.com to confirm their support.)

3. Come to the Justice 4 Erika demonstration on Thursday, June 14 at noon @ 6th and Arch in Center City Philadelphia.

4. Sign up for weekly email updates on the campaign (email Justice4Erika@gmail.com)

5. SPREAD THE WORD.

Date: 2007-04-22 15:54 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

I'm so pissed off because I have an overwhelming amount of work, and I'm a junior so I have to get good grades if I want to get into any college. My online calc class is killing me I have a D in it. I never have had a D in anything, ever. I'm so freaked out that I'm going to end up with a D or C and then I won't get into college. I hate school so much.

Date: 2007-04-13 20:48 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

So prom's approaching soon and hopefully it'll be the last time I'll be stuck in a dress. It's a corset so I don't mind terribly, it's just putting on an act. Cannot wait for summer when I finally get a hair cut! Braves are losing right now, but I have a tiny glimpse of hope that things will improve. 7 to 2 now, bottom of the 4th.

Date: 2007-04-09 21:09 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

So I went to Chicago during spring break and here are three photos I edited in photoshop because I was bored. I'm actually kind of tired of playing World of Warcraft at the moment which is unusual and kind of reflects on my state of mind at the moment. I've just been feeling anxious and depressed. I hate calculus more than anything, I keep thinking of college people next year looking and seeing a C for calculus, laughing and throwing my papers in a big fire. Which I know is slightly ridiculous, but still, I really just want to get into college.
Anyways, that's really offtopic of this post which was to post pictures which I like. So, thinking happy thoughts and looking at pictures!
( big pictures under here )

Oh, and on a completely different topic Robin Hood on BBC America freaking rocks.

Date: 2007-03-23 21:05 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

It's been ages since I've posted.
Nothing much has changed, still kind of evaluating my situation and the people I know to see how I should proceed. I'm still not sure I'm going to transition, or if I do how far I'll go. I've been really depressed lately for odd reasons. I've been so stressed, and I haven't been working at all. I've gained some weight, like 5 pounds, which I would really, really like to lose. I'm completely unmotivated and feel completely lost. Part of me really wants to transition now and have everyone deal with their shit, but high schoolers typically aren't the most accepting group. I'm kind of quiet and awkward, so I'm not the most popular person, and I don't want people to be complete asshats to me. I want to take everything slow so I can be sure of what I'm doing when I do it.
I'm suddenly really attracted to women a lot more than men which is unusual for me, I usually favor men a lot more. I swear I'm practically in love with my best friend which is creating interesting problems for me because I'm being an asshole to my best guy friend, which I totally don't mean to do, because him and my best friend flirt constantly. Pisses me off.
Speaking of which I've been angry like woah lately which is also unusual, I feel really bad, because I've been a total ass lately to people who may or may not deserve it. My fuse is like .2 seconds. Recently the more I think about everything the less I am unsure, where as before I was cautious and wanted to take it slow, I just want to get the fuck on with it now. I don't like a single thing about my body now, and I want to look like who I am already!
For guys out there who transitioned or starting transitioning while living with parents, how did you start everything? I have to speak to a psychiatrist right? If anybody has any advice or anything that'd be great.
On a side note, saw 300 recently. KICK ASS MOVIE. AWESOME

Date: 2007-02-19 01:01 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

Came out to a friend today. Totally didn't even mean to. I did though. He's supportive, if not completely on the same level as to what it means. It's cool, I'm glad. So fucking glad.

Date: 2007-02-18 18:28 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

Went to the Rennaissance Festival today, so much fun!! I bought elf ears, totally worth it.
I really like old stuff like corsets and really cool pirate jackets. REALLY cool pirate jackets. Awesomeness.
Still totally need to get my hair cut. I have glue on my sideburns now, not that i have much of any, just the really tiny female ones. I wish I had long sideburns.

Date: 2007-02-13 19:14 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

Little Miss Sunshine is an insanely good movie. Insanely good. I need to by it ASAP. Along with The Departed.
And Gangs of New York is also a really good movie.
I need to get my hair cut, now. Fauxhawk, I'm thinking.

Date: 2007-01-26 22:19 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

It's been a crazy long time since I posted, so here it goes.
I'm as in love with Kate Walsh as ever. Seriously.

Things have been pretty stressful lately way too much schoolwork. I'm taking the SATs tomorrow, hope I don't fail.

It is sad how little I have to say, except I'm reading Harry Potter again, for the first time in a long time. I'm also digging Horatio Hornblower at the moment. I LOVE those books. I'm recently into World of Warcraft which I have been informed is 'lame' but I like it so, whatever. Fuck that.

I love cats.